Twas The Night After Christmas

Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the rooms
Ripped up paper was piled as high as the dunes.
The stockings were strewn on the dirty floor

After the kids had cried, “Isn’t there more?”

The children were hyper from candy and sweets,
Presents were forgotten underneath stinky feets

Like Momma’s carefully knitted Alpaca-wool cap,
Now all she wanted was that promised long winter’s nap.

But outside there arose such a noisy clatter,
No one would budge to go see what was the matter.
Momma had to go look out the window pane,
And she was sure she’d finally gone insane.

The moon beat down on the wet ground below
Of course it wasn’t as pretty as new fallen snow.
When, what to her bulging eyes should appear,
But more visitors that struck immediate fear.

“Hurry!” She screamed, “We’ve got to be quick.”

Presents we need—I’ve got just the trick

Pull out the fruit, candy, or wine for Bob, Joe and Uncle Nick

I knew exactly which gift she would ultimately pick

More rapid than eagles into the house they came,
Coming up with gifts can be such a ridiculous game!

“This is the best. Yes, the best thing by far”

"Homemade wine, better than. . .  a new car”

Then with bellies stuffed way past the brim

They laughed as their wine spilled over the rim

Staining the rugs, the tablecloths and clothes

Then little Andy stuck his finger way up inside his nose

Boogers he smeared all around our clean house

I wish he’d been quiet, say quiet as a mouse

But I’m never so lucky on Christmas Day

Now all I wanted, for them, was to just go away

But they’d come so far, so many miles they flew

I couldn’t say “Go!” That was too rude to do.

But the noise was exceeding what we’d call loud

And the house it was filled with more than a crowd

When up on the ceiling – no out on the roof
I thought I heard stomping – no the pawing of a hoof.
As I drew in my head, and thought about bed,

For a moment I wished I could just say what needed to be said.

“It’s time for everyone to leave, to just head on home!”

All I want this holiday is to just be left alone.

But I couldn’t say something so horrible – No, I couldn’t do that

I’d be worse than a rodent. Yep - I’d be a rat

So I tried once again to be happy and merry!
I pulled out the wine – made from sangria and a cherry!
My mouth I turned up like a pretty little bow,
And sprinkled sugar around to mimic the snow.

Holding my tongue, I gritted my teeth,
And wore the tree branches around my neck like a wreath.
I grinned and ate, yes I filled up my belly,
Until it shook and jiggled like that bowlful of jelly!

Now I’m chubby and plump, fatter than an elf,
And I'll be jolly - in spite of myself!
I’ll just avoid the mirror with a twist of his head,
Stay off the scale – yep that’s one thing I dread.

When the New Year rolls around, I’ll get right back to work,
Dieting, running, yep, I’ll be one giant, grumpy jerk.
Eating less - I'll be running more

Hopefully I’ll still be able to fit out that stupid door!

O well, I’ll just have to starve until I’m thin as a whistle,
I’ll eat leaves, lettuce and maybe a nice thick juicy thistle.
But I have one thing to say before I fade out of your sight,
"Happy New Year!” Yep it’s coming but until then, “to all a good-night!"