Romantic Event - NOT

Okay, so we went to have our first ever “couple’s massage” last night. I was thinking that this would be a romantic splurge since we are still sore from our white-water rafting trip – I know it’s been a month – but hitting those rocks after falling out going over the waterfall is one of those things that I guess just sorta sticks it to with you.

Anyway, I occasionally get massages and usually fall asleep during the session – only to wake up in a puddle of goo because I was so relaxed I was drooling…

Not this time.

This “romantic” session was more like watching a movie with my husband – he talked through the entire session. And not just casual conversation, or “a little higher” or “a little lower”. Nope, and the session went from bad to worse in a hurry when his therapist asked, “Have you considered seeing a chiropractor?”

He, not thinking that this masseuse just might also be a licensed chiropractor, said, “OH NO! I’d never go see one of those quacks.”

I just about fell off the table and, when she gasped in outrage, I had an idea what was coming next.

My masseuse spoke up and said, “You know we share office space with those Quacks?”

He responded, “I just have to be honest.”

His masseuse asked, “How deep did you say you wanted this DEEP tissue massage?” As she must have exerted an inordinate amount of pressure on his aching back because the next thing I heard come out of my 6’4” husband’s mouth was a groan. The masseuse also said something about wanting to crawl up on his back and use her knee on him. For a second I wanted to laugh out loud but thought that wouldn’t make me look too sensitive. I also thought about trying to say something to make him seem more reasonable—but, put on the spot like that, I couldn’t think of a single thing.

At one point, I did ask if he could “keep it down a little” so I could attempt to hear the relaxing ocean simulation and soothing music but he was talking so loud, I don’t think he heard me or, if he did, he didn’t care because he just kept on talking right through our checkout to the point where I had to grab his arm and pull him out of there.

In the end, it wasn’t what I had been expecting: “no romance, no relaxation, and no sweet dreams” – in fact it was more like one of my childhood nightmares – the kind you have where you walk into a class and have to take a test—naked.